Some Guidelines for Successful Relationship

Walter vom Saal

 

Guidelines for successful relationships from student reports and student interviews.

- communication.

- respect.

- physical attraction.

- trust.

- honesty.

- satisfactory sexual relations.

- love.

- feeling you are loved.

- be "giving of yourself"

- help each other out.

- compatibility.

- reciprocity and balance (equity).

- loyalty (combined with trust).

- acceptance.

- support.

- mutual respect.

- active effort to form links, bonds, shared experiences.

- sexual compatibility.

- commitment.

- maintain variety.

- be friends first.

- money.

- laugh together.

- have fun together.

- common interests.

- kindness.

- similar morals.

- shared beliefs.

- shared values.

- understanding.

- similarity in backgrounds.

- be patient.

- be flexible.

- be unselfish.

- show appreciation.

- show kindness.

- supportive and nurturing relationship that allows for individual growth.

 

Note: - all guidelines for friendship also might apply: see separate notes on friendship.

 

Ingredients in a lasting love relationship.

 

Ingredients in a lasting love relationship according to one text:

- self-acceptance

- appreciation of one another

- commitment

- good communication

- realistic expectations

- shared interests

- the ability to face conflict effectively

                                                Crooks & Baur (6^th ed, 1996, p. 188)

 

Additional factors cited in Crooks & Baur (6^th ed, 1996, p. 188-191):

- seeing one’s partner as one’s best friend.

- allowing growth and change in the individuals and in the relationship.

- sexual variety.

 

In one study of 300 happily married couples, the most frequently named reason for an enduring and happy marriage was seeing one’s partner as one’s best friend.  Qualities most appreciated in a partner were caring, giving, integrity, and a sense of humor.  [Lauer & Lauer, Marriages made to last, Psychology Today, June 1985, 22-26; cited in Crooks & Baur (6^th ed, 1996, p. 188)]

 

Importance of day to day interaction.  “It’s the little things that count.”  “The kinds of things that enhance my feeling that my partner still loves me may seem quite inconsequential, but to me they aren’t.  When he gets up to greet me when I come home, when he takes my arm crossing the street, when he asks, “can I help you with that,” when he tells me I look great, when he holds me in the middle of the night, when he thanks me for doing a routine chore – I feel loved by him.  Those little things – all added up – make a tremendous difference to me.” [Crooks & Baur (6^th ed, 1996, p. 189)]

 

WvS guidelines for successful marriage (or long term romantic relationship)

 

Ø      Place highest priority on the relationship.

Ø      story of advice from Car Talk.

Ø      avoid taking things for granted.

Ø      (relate this to adaptation, a pervasive psychological principle.)

Ø      in therapy: single most commonly heard phrase = “you’d think (s)he’d know.”

Ø      Waller, The Good Marriage: relationship requires continued work.

Ø      try hard to see problems as common enemy.

   Ø      problems can draw you together or drive you apart.

   Ø      examples: mother-in-law; child discipline; financial difficulties.

 

Ø      Have realistic expectations.

Ø      WvS theory: we all marry an image, then spend the rest of our lives trying to convert reality into the image.

Ø      The image is often self-contradictory.  Example: we may want someone independent; but also someone who needs us.

Ø      He’s going to get worse, not better.  Concept of “honeymoon period.”  Concept that “courtship is misrepresentation.”

Ø      The attempt to “convert” the person into someone who matches our hopes and dreams contradicts the important goal of acceptance.

 

Ø      Importance of acceptance and feeling accepted.

Ø      Accepting the partner for who he/she is.  Feeling accepted.

Ø      Carl Rogers: acceptance as critical component of therapy.  Unconditional positive regard.  Research identifies this as one of 3 critical components in successful therapy.

Ø      Sidney Jourard: happiness composed of self-understanding (insight), self-acceptance, self-esteem (& self-disclosure as path to all three).

Ø      Poem from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran, 1923): “Let there be spaces in your togetherness... for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Ø      Therapist guideline: the most critical thing for survival of a relationship is that being with the other person makes you feel good about yourself.

 

Ø      Importance of details of interaction.

Ø      guidelines for good communication.

Ø      example: “I” statements.  (Not “you’re late again! You’re always late!” but rather “There’s something I think we need to talk about.  Yesterday I found myself getting all tense and upset when I was waiting...”)

Ø      awareness of triggers, pet peeves, idiosyncratic things that affect us.

Ø      Concept of “help me with my neurosis” (Arnie Lazarus).